The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
