I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
