She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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