Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
