nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
