I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
