don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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