meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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