Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
