I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
