So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
