so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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