EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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