The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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