I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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