my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
