i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
