i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
