Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
