Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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