I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I party with great urgency now.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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