just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I believe in your delicious
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
