A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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