My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
