Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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