At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
