Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
