im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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