It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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