ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
