so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
