"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
