maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
