I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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