dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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