every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
