I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
