i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
