Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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