My hair reeks of homosexuality.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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