I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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