If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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