is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
