Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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