how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
