I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
from now on my penis is your penis
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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