just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
