Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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