It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
