I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
