im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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