Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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